Note to Self

Dear self,

I've been thinking lately about things that I don't want to ever forget. And I'm afraid I will forget because I know I've already forgotten so much from the past 8 years. So, I think it might help if I write a letter reminding myself what life is like right now. May I not forget...

Do not forget the way Allison looks with her backpack on her back, walking up that sidewalk (sometimes running...because we've cut it too close) to her classroom. Remember the way she turns and looks over at the car and waves before walking in the classroom. I could cry every time. Never forget the way she walks next to me every time I go to her school, taking my arm and putting it around her neck and putting her other arm around my waist, every single time then saying, "I love you mommy." Don't forget the way she insisted on opening one of the Beth Moore Praying God's Word gift packets I had in my closet in order to start going through the devotional together. Remember the way she faithfully reads the devotional on the way to school and gently reminds Emma to close her eyes before she reads the prayer, and how many mornings that little devotional brings all of us back to center. And remember the way Allison has always been one to find "treasures" on the playground, which she loves to bring home (or sneak home) to me. At Champion Forest Preschool it was snails (yes, snails) which she had to sneak because Ms. Stacy said "We do not bring snails home in our pockets." At Spring Baptist Early Childhood it was acorns from those big beautiful oak trees on the playground. And this year she's brought home a few rocks she's come across on the playground. A few days ago her hand was full of rocks after school. Don't forget the way Allison loves to help and looks for ways to help, especially when it comes to her sisters. Remember the way Allison still loves to pretend. Remember that even though she is getting bigger every day, she is only eight, and she is still such a little girl. Last week she was making window stickers at her "shop" (the kitchen table) where she is available after school to take orders and give sticker making lessons. Don't forget the way Allison loves going to Houston to see plays and musicals. Don't forget how she looked over at Mark and laughed at herself at her soccer game today when she was playing goalee and got carried away and kicked the ball out while defending the goal. Don't forget the letter she wrote to me for my birthday that begins, "I have loved you all my life."

Do not forget the way Emma smiles right now, before she starts losing her baby teeth. Remember the gaps between all her teeth. I love them. Remember her sweet laugh and the way she screams while she's really laughing. Don't forget the smirk she gets on her face when she's either guilty or proud of herself. It is so cute. Don't forget how Emma cocks her head, puts her hands on her hips and passionately defends herself. Yes, she needs to be a lawyer. And remember "burk burk" - Emma's turtle game she used to play after bath time when she was about 3 years old. I miss burk burk. She doesn't even remember burk burk. Always remember the way Emma loves to bring stuff home from the playground, just like Allison. Emma's favorite thing to bring home is rocks, but she also likes to bring baby acorns. And the way she often brings a family of rocks and how each one represents a member of our family and the tiniest rock is always Meagan. And the biggest is always Daddy. Never, never forget the time a few weeks ago when Emma wasn't wearing pants with pockets and stuck the rocks between the fuzzy stuff and the rubber part of the crocks she was wearing that day, just so she could bring that rock family home. Remember the way Emma refers to me as "my mommy" to everyone, including her daddy. And remember how cute Emma looks in her black leotard and pink tights, hair in pig tails, for ballet. And how serious she looks in her red jersey, black shorts and red soccer socks on the soccer field. Don't forget how Emma is such a lovey dove. And how she looks out for BOTH of her sisters. How she loves her Sunday School teacher, Mr. Bruce and how she wanted to call him last Monday to tell him not to worry about her even though she missed the day before. Don't forget the sweet way she helps me teach my Sunday School class of 3 year olds, and how she leads them gently and loves on them, and how she calls the little boys "Buddy." Don't forget Emma...sandwiched between an older sister who has homework and responsibilities that demand my time and attention and a baby sister who also demands my time and attention.

Do not forget Meagan's big blue eyes and her baby curls in the back. Don't forget the way she walks with her hands in the air, jibber jabbering at the top of her lungs. Remember her sloppy, open mouth kisses and the way she kisses me for free when she's scared of something. Remember the way she hugs me. Remember her little voice and the inflection in her voice while she jibber jabbers. Don't forget how she holds her silky up to my nose for me to smell it after she wakes up from her naps, and then how she takes a turn smelling it, and how this goes back and forth until we get to the couch. Remember the look on her face when she hears the Sesame Street song come on. Remember how she loves her big sisters. Don't forget how tiny she was not so long ago; weighing barely more than a bag of sugar, and how happy it made me that the pediatrician said she was "fiesty." My fears were relieved. Don't forget how good she is at the soccer field; and how that really should make up for however impatient she gets at restaurants! Remember how easily she goes down when she is tired, and how she usually kicks just one leg right after I lay her down in her bed and then lets out a sigh of relief. Don't forget the way she likes to have one binky in her mouth and another in her hand. And the way she does not move a muscle when she knows she's in trouble, but only cuts her eyes from side to side. It's hilarious. Remember how she already likes to look at books, but how she can't be left alone with one for long lest she end up pooping part of it out tomorrow. Do not forget the way she loves on her sisters when they are laying on the floor. And how she pats them and says, "ohhhh." Remember how is feels when she says, "mama."

Don't forget the way the big girls play together. How they make little houses out of other stuff. Like how they've put the Zoe chair and Elmo chair on their sides and made a little house for Emma's new plastic puppy. How they like to put their dolls to bed and are such good mommies for them. Don't forget what it looks like to have three little girls in the bathtub at night. Don't forget, YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS HAVE HAND PRINTS ON THE WINDOWS. And when the hand prints are gone, so are the girls - so get over it. Don't forget the noise of a house with little kids in it. I love that part of Alan Jackson's song that says, "Remember when the sound of little feet was the music we danced to week to week." Little feet. Don't forget they are all watching me to figure out how to be a woman, a wife, a mama. Lord, help me!

Do not forget the way God's love became so much more profound to me after he made me a mother. And do not ever forget, these girls are on loan from God. That I am a steward and they belong to Him. They are not mine.

Sincerely,

me